Trump Announces New 50% Drug Tariffs
Both Canadian and Mexican drug cartels hit hard!
What Trump Said
President Trump announces 50% tariffs on Canadian fentanyl and Mexican cocaine, effective April 2, 2025.
President Trump, Elon Musk and Tom Homan invited reporters into the Oval Office this morning to announce the new “tariffing” on imported drugs.
“Today we are liberating Americans by tariffing [sic] the value of this horrible and deadly drug in order to make it more costly to distribute and buy,” President Trump said. “The cartels in Congress have never been hit so hard as we’re hitting them, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. Tremendous libels.”
Trump also apparently announced a new national holiday.
What It Means
Drug smugglers who are caught at the border by Water Board Czar Tom Homan’s crack TSA agents will levy the drug tariff at the port of entry before allowing smugglers to continue on their way. Homan called this Trump’s “Fund & Release” strategy.
“With the help of DOGE we will ensure that these massive funds quickly and more importantly, efficientyly make their way into the hands of President Trump,” Homan said. “It is vitally important that the cash keeps flowing after President Trump turn the spigot on.
“Oh yeah, and Make America Great Again,” he added after glancing at President Trump who was watching him speak.
President Trump said that he has big plans for his new Fund & Release tariff program and the cash it brings in.
“We’re gonna use the money to make America so great again,” Trump said. “By letting all the trans do it in the bathroom instead of in the bushes where no one has to see them, the Democrats have allowed Fentanyl to get out of hand. The Republicans and Elon Musk and I have reversed that course, strongly and quickly. Elon, such a great man by the way, so kind and really caring when you talk to him, a great father, and he actually gives the best back rubs, I bet you didn’t know that.”
Trump paused for an uncomfortably long time while gazing at Musk who stood nearby in some kind of clown costume as reporters in the Oval Office looked at one another questioningly.
“Anyway, they tell me he uses much more than anyone else because he’s on that Keto Diet,” Trump continued after taking a moment to compose himself. “Personally I love my Big Macs too much, but he can take it because he has the body and mind of a 12-year old. He singlehandedly takes so much off the market, we’re really grateful, very proud of him.
Elon Musk beamed mightily and energetically strode back and forth behind the President during his monologue, but he did not respond. Musk stopped periodically to stare without blinking at different reporters, before jerking into motion again.
“Major additional progress is being made with these drug tariffs which are so great, don’t you think?” Trump continued. “So much money, we won’t even know what to do with it all. Don’t let the cartels have a Victory. They have to pay just like the other Mexicans, also the Iranians. Cause otherwise it would be devastating for my Super PAC, ‘Again Make America Great Again Again’ and, far more importantly, for the United States. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”
Democrats Respond
When reporters asked Democratic House Minority Leader Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (Patriot, NY) for comment, he replied, “Grampa said what now?”
The timeline continues.
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Who fucking cam up with this idea? I'm sure the drug cartels are going to pay a tariff on illegal drugs if I read this right.